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Losing one self

It is easy to love so many people and be friendly and social

But it is harder for the heart to accommodate anyone when you losing yourself

I don’t mind it when people say i love putting on a mask

It is what i choose to show the world

While many pretend to be there, it is not easy being there for someone when they are not mentally stable

So i put on my mask, party hard, laugh more, spend days with friends, talk, active on social media

Till i open the door to the four corners of my room,

It’s not easy, losing oneself is a lot that words may not fit explanation

Sometimes they shoot the question, “why do you act like this?”

Well, i have no answer to that

Because i turned 23 and everything changed

My head is going crazy with different thoughts

I no longer know who i am nor what i stand for

I’ve lost close friends, lovers.. So i am more guarded

Interests are changing, character and many more

It’s a crucial moment and while many may not know what it feels like letting yourself go, live a moment everyday to figure out where the head is at before finally getting hold of the situation, i hope the little great happy moments compensate for those that feel hopeless

And for the love that surround us be appreciated more

My friends are making this transition smooth, they may not know but i hold them highly in my life

Living Trauma

My idea of adulting was that i would be free and not need permission to do what i choose to

At least i knew, i will have a family and it will be dependent on me, so for that i knew i had to work hard to secure a better future for myself

Yet, nobody prepared me for trauma that we would pick up along the way and live through them

Not at any point did it occur to me that at twenty three i will be this much of an emotional wreck

I believed i was beautiful growing up, just not favorite to relatives who loved my sister more, but always been a darling to my dad, my inspiration.

Well, it changes when you come eye to eye with the harsh world who have formulated their own standards to beauty

I want to believe am old enough, still too young to be handling this

At 23,i buy so many clothes i find cute but won’t wear them because eighty percent of people i meet mistake my belly fat for pregnancy 😢

What of having zero tolerance for completely drunk people

I can’t share a bed with a man who is intoxicated

Tipsy is fine, shower though, brush your teeth, we good

A stinky, staggering drunk just traumatizes me

Seen my mum walk hell handling such, i choose not to welcome that in my life

Not forgetting, how men and friends have crushed my confidence and self esteem that sometimes feel disposable

I panic when ignored, i call it fear of rejection

I distant myself when i feel people pulling away

Because somehow the world had convinced me that i am the problem

So, sometimes i wonder how i am supposed to leave all this behind and be healthy

Even when you work on yourself, feel more beautiful, more confident, it just does not go away

The next minute someone does it, it triggers the whole thing and you now helpless

I want a family someday, how do we raise a generation while this messed up, whose mental and emotional health will they look up to???

I wonder

Leaving this here to remind myself it’s okay, and we’ll figure it out